Chad's Unique New Thoughts: January 2009

Friday, January 30, 2009

All that she wants is another bab-eh eh eh eh

If you haven't yet heard, that wife of mine is all knocked up. So, pending a paternity test, it looks as if I will be a dad around August. I will use this forum to express my feelings from time to time. All preggers related updates will be made on this entry. I intend to update them around the time of each doctor visit, starting with the day I found out. For a complete baby blog, visit http://www.sonesbaby.blogspot.com/

Hey, guess what!?!?!

So I will always remember Thursday, December 4th, as the day I received my Garmin GPS from Amazon.com. I know what you're thinking: "Chad, why do you need a GPS? You're like a walking compass." Well, I routinely fall in the traps of trendy technology and marketing ploys. I arrived home that evening after just completing the highlight of my day, the 90 minute commute. I walked into the house saying "Dude, Tracy, come look how cool this Garmin is. It can tell me where I am, it can locate hotels, it can love, it can even...." That's when I noticed Tracy standing with a look of concern. My immediate thought was that she had broken my 2006 Rose Bowl DVD and she was going to have a new black-eye to explain to the neighbors. Luckily, it was something far less serious. Tracy proceeded to relay that she had just tested positive on 2 preggers tests. Up until this point, I had no idea that she was even late or that this was something that she had thought was occurring. Still, I became excited, we hugged, and she kissed me (reminding me of how drop dead gorgeous she finds me).

Several thoughts began swirling in my head. When will this zygote be born? Would my child prefer to play in the NFL or be a rockstar? Hasn't Tracy been drinking a handle of Tequila a night for the past 6 months? If it's a boy, will we name him Darren Woodson Sones? If it's a girl, will we name her Toni Romo Sones? If it's a hermie, will we name it Michael Hutchison Sones? It's a truly exciting time and that's the day I began my long journey into fatherhood.

Wait...that's an Ultrasound???

Over the past 3 weeks I've suffered from Migraines, a nasty stomach virus, and the Shingles. I can only assume that I will battle Smallpox and Polio in February. The good news is that my knocked up wife only caught my nasty stomach virus. Judging by the sounds I heard coming from the bathroom, I became concerned that she had already hatched our child without knowing. So Tracy went in for a check-up without me this week, but I couldn't help but to recall our first check-up.

Upon arrival to our first meeting with the Doctor, I felt a bit out of place. His office is located within a Women's clinic and I felt like all the women inside were staring at me and judging me because I had the wrong type of anatomy to be in this building. Still, I fought through it with the anticipation of seeing my fetus for the first time.

After some brief small talk with our doctor, he asked Tracy to please remove her pants. My initial reaction was to stand up and punch him in the forehead. Then I thought "he's not a bad looking older man, I'm open minded, let's see where he's going with this." But he then explained that we would be doing this Ultrasound in the form of a TVP. As a medical recruiter I was all too familiar with this procedure, better known as the Trans-Vaginal Probe. He proceeded to lube up a giant wand that I knew I couldn't compete with. As the procedure began, I gave Tracy a quick wink and a mischievous smile.

At the first glimpse of my fetus, I stood up and yelled "my child has no legs and looks like a shell-less snapping turtle!" The doctor then calmed me down and explained that it hasn't developed all it's parts yet. It's heartbeat was beating faster than Jason Zantjer's in a field sobriety test. The rate was around 170 per minute which often means girl but we'll see. We go back in a couple of weeks and get to do an over-the-belly Ultrasound which seems less exciting for Tracy but more relaxing for me.

Snow Day!!!

As a young Chad, nothing made me happier than a snow day at school. Looking back, I'm not sure what was so great about it other than sleeping in. All I can recall is watching reruns of Happy Days, infomercials, and several shady looking characters got me pondering an education from DeVry. Still, I really hated school so it was a nice time waste.

This past Wednesday I learned that snow days are just as popular in my book as they've ever been. I woke up Wednesday morning with thoughts of playing hooky. I was extra relaxed but sticky from 10 hours of sleep and a nocturnal emission. I was really excited about this since I had only managed a couple of hours of sleep the night before due to a nightmare. I sometimes have nightmares about a device created by my neighbor when I was 11 years old. His name was Jeremy and he was a lot of fun to hang out with except for his weapon of choice, the "thingy." The Thingy was a snorkel that was wrapped in electrical tape on one end. Anytime you would ignore your backside and leave your anus unprotected, Jeremy would make an attempt to painfully check your oil with the Thingy. Actually, I think the Thingy may deserve it's own blog entry and I'd rather not talk about it.

I turned on the news to peruse all of the day's closings due to icy roads. I held my breath after Lamar High School, but then up popped Nimitz High School. What the hell? Where was Medical Contracting? At this point, I realized I must begin my journey to Dallas through the frozen tundra of highway 183 and my dream of a snow day was shattered.

Around 10 am I slid into my office parking lot like Rudy in a 280 Z. My close friend and soul mate, Jason Dangles, arrived at the same time. At first I thought he was being extra careful in the ice as he took baby steps towards the door. I then realized that Dangles was walking with a limp. He looked sort of like Dr. Gregory House minus the charm. I was concerned that this was an old water polo injury that was flaring up and he would finally be forced to get those ass cheek implants he's been talking about. Luckily he had just pulled a muscle the night before while performing his weekly kegal exercises.

Once I got to my office I stared at my computer for an hour thinking of all the children having fun building anatomically correct snowmen in their front yards. Instead, I had to put off the appearance of an adult and pretend to be motivated by financial gain and professional advancement. So what's my point here? Well, I don't really know. But I know I like snow days and I hate working on snow days. Oh, and despite an Oscar worthy performance by Chris Elliot, I hate the movie Snow Day.

Friday, January 16, 2009

And the winner is....

After 32 total votes, here are our winners:

#3

Jayson Parties Like a Rockstar

This photo was taken by Jake Webster in Pawtucket, Rhode Island this past March. The Cut Off had just played at a really cool venue called the Blackstone and ended up crashing at a condo across the street. At this point in the night it was about 4am and 10 degrees outside. Jayson drank about 7 White Russians and his belly was upset from all the dairy. After jumping out of a freezing cold shower, we stuck a cigarette in his mouth and snapped this photo.

#2

Zantjer look-a-like in Barbados

This photo was taken on a boat tour in Barbados this past October. Hutch first spotted this imposter swimming in the ocean. He climbed back onto the boat explaining that he had just seen Zantjer's twin. I was a bit skeptical until the man joined us on the boat and I saw the striking similarity. The only problem was the lack of glasses...then he put on glasses. The tricky part was getting close enough to take a photo without him noticing. I guess that's why it's such a great photo.

#1

Zantjer Creeps out a High School Girl

This photo was taken at Corbin's going away party back in January. Ironically it was one of the first photos taken in 2008. After drinking too much and hanging around in a circle of high school kids in the backyard, he decided to talk to some ladies. I felt so sorry for this poor girl, he made her so uncomfortable. I'm pretty sure she appeared on the back of a milk carton a few weeks later...Ian Kinsler bless her.

Monday, January 12, 2009

2008 Photo of the Year

Here are our nominees for the 2008 Photo of the Year. Please email me your top 3 choices in order. List them by rank and name, I will announce the winner on Friday. Some of these are funny because of the photo, others because of context. Remember, your vote counts.

Down And Out Downer