Collared Shirts

So a lot of you have been asking about the events of this past Saturday night. Rather than
call each and every one of you, I thought it may just be more efficient to email all of you. I apologize if this is a long read for you, but I promise there will be a lesson for all of us in the end.

Saturday started out great with the family celebrating the one year anniversary of my nephew's birth. From there, I headed out to the Renaissance hotel where my friend and life partner, Chris Files, had reserved a suite. The Squid and Dangles came along for the ride. After complaining all week in typical Dangles fashion, Dangles decided not to wear a collared shirt because he didn't want to go to any "douche-y" Dallas bars. Fair enough.

Upon arriving to the suite, things progressed splendidly with Kimbo being exposed and Chase Daniel putting the Nebraska defense to rest as if he were Jack Kevorkian himself. We decided to take a taxi to the bar in order to avoid any incidents. The group consisted of myself, Chris Files, Jeff Files, Joelseph Stupka, Sauce, Dangles, and Squid. As you may or may not know, this particular group has been involved in more than one notorious evening including, but not limited to, the Panama Jack showdown, the Baylor Brawl, the Riprocks Biker scuffle, the Texas Jive/cut off embrolio, and the night Sauce attempted to shank the entire Sigma Chi fraternity.

After bouncing around at a couple of trendy bars, we ended up at a new, hip club known as "Joyce." In general, I hate Dallas bars with one word names: Joyce, Mantis, Lotus, Wish, Dolce, Douche, etc. However, Jeff's friend had set us up with a reserved table so we decided to check it out. As we walked up to the club, I noticed a Ferrari and Lamborghini parked outside and was immediately skeptical. The door guy confirmed that we had a table reserved but there was one problem....Zantjer was in a T-shirt. In hindsight, we should have just left right then, but we didn't. We noticed a couple of guys walk into the club wearing "Affliction" and "Tapout" shirts. The doorman then explained to us that those were "designer" t-shirts, not like Dangles' FDNY shirt. Firemen get no respect. Some words were exchanged between our group and the door man when a few randos from outside the line chimed in. They threw out remarks like "why don't you guys just go to lower Greenville" and "look how expensive our watches are." Soon, our group was face to face with their group, a punch was thrown, and all Hell broke loose.

I don't have much memory of the following events so they have been pieced together by eyewitness accounts. In a post fight interview, Sauce Davis had this to say-

"I really don't know what happened. We were arguing with the doorman, then fists starting flying."

This is the last thing I really remember. I can somewhat recall Sauce stepping in front of me and hitting a guy. Jason Zantjer was quoted-

"After Sauce hit the guy, things were crazy. I saw Chad lean across toward one of the guys coming at us and put everything he has into a right hook. He swung from his shoes with the intent of knocking him out...unfortunately his arm was about an inch too short and he just missed the guy's face."

At the same moment the guy's friend came from behind/beside me and took a swing at my blindside. No one's sure if he made contact with me, grazed me, or missed completely, but I made an off-balance step backwards to avoid it. I stepped backwards and my foot touched nothing but air as I fell off the curb. I didn't brace myself whatsoever and the back of my head slapped the concrete. I immediately went unconscious. We'll get back to me.

In the meantime, the frantic scene continued around my limp body. Chris and Sauce went after the guy that swung at me (who was now running). In a post fight interview, Jeff Files reported this-

"Chris knocked the shit out of that guy."

Then, more of their friends arrived, swinging wildly and throwing a wrench into the whole thing. Chris suffered a couple of shots before Jeff tackled one of them into the nearby Ferrari, denting the hood (the owner would later demand compensation but the officer referred to him as a "rich a-hole" in a candid conversation with Zantjer) The group traded punches for a few more moments before rumors of police filled the air and brawl quieted. In his only public statement, Chris Files had this to say-

"I still have no idea where those other dudes came from."

Joel, Squid, and Zantjer found my seemingly lifeless body in the street, laying in a suppinated position, with a pool of blood beneath my head. Joel put his shirt underneath my occipital lobe to stop the bleeding and the paramedics were called. The driver of the Lamborghini then came out wanting to leave. He was angry that my body was in his way and he was very vocal about it. His girlfriend said to get me out of the street and get me medical attention. Sauce responded saying she needed to lose weight and if he drove a Lamborghini, he'd have a thinner girlfriend. The guy then climbed into his car and continued to yell. Sauce ran over to the driver's side door and attempted to drag the guy out of his car. Chris and Jeff restrained him and the car drove off.

I started to regain consciousness around the time the Ferrari driver was yelling at a cop wanting to know who was going to pay for the dent. I saw Joel hovering above me and asked what was going on. He tried to explain to me that we were in Dallas and I had hit my head. I had no idea what he was talking about and shortly faded out again. The next time I woke up, I was in the ambulance headed to Baylor Hospital. The Squid was trying to talk the ambulance driver into turning on the lights and running some red lights because it "would be awesome." I spent the next 3 hours getting Cat Scans and 9 staples in the back of my head. My official Emergency Room report reads: Head laceration, alcohol intoxication

Sunday morning I began to remember the entire night but I've still got a 20-30 minute gap that I can't recall. It was one of the strangest feelings of my life. I know there are a lot of questions so I'll go ahead and open the forum to a Q&A session. Here are a few FAQs:

Q: Are there any events from the evening that you regret?
- Several

Q: Don't you think you are getting too old to be involved in bar fights?
- Yes, but for the record, we never even entered the bar. This was a street fight.

Q: What is your status for the UNT Lacrosse Alumni game on October 25th?
- Taking it day to day, only time will tell.

Q: You mentioned that Joel placed his shirt under your head, was he shirtless for the remainder of the evening?
- No, he gave me his undershirt then put his shirt back on. However, I'm told that female spectators were quite impressed my his polish physique.

Q: In the ER, did the Squid ever sneak back there, put on rubber gloves, and offer to help?
- Yes...twice.

Q: What was the reaction by your parents and Tracy when they arrived to the hospital?
- They couldn't believe how drunk everyone was.

Q: Do you now have a new appreciation for life?
- Not really

Q: Do you still find humor in certain celebrity deaths?
- Sometimes

Q: How is that winning smile and facial structure that was chiseled by the Gods themselves?
- Not a scratch. Despite being the worst off, I am nearly convinced that I may be the only one who wasn't punched in the face.

Q: Do you feel as if the accident has left you changed in any way?
- I'm glad you asked. It has been pointed out to me that many people have died or fallen into comas from similar accidents. Because I survived, I have decided I am just like Bruce Willis in Unbreakable and can't be killed

Q: Are you saying you can survive a long fall?
- Sure

Q: Are you saying you can survive an explosion?
- Probably

Q: Are you saying you can dodge bullets?
- I'm saying once I figure out my powers, I won't have to.

Q: Is Kimbo a fraud now that he fought someone under the age of 40?
- Yes.


Sorry for the rambling, but I did promise you a lesson and here it is:

Most bars in Dallas are douche-y so always wear a collared shirt.

I blame the entire evening on Jason Zantjer. I'm staring at him across my office right now and my anger grows with each peck of my keyboard. Jason Zantjer, I loathe you.

Talk to you guys later, have an awesome summer!