Suddenly our president, our Navy Seals, and our general public seem interested in this threatening epidemic. That's right, these are the most frightening times for our country since Reagan carried us through the Cold War, Magic faked having AIDS, or Dustin Hoffman saved us from that Ebola breakout.
So what should we do? Well, I'm not really sure but I think it's a goode idea for the US to mandate some sort of Pirate combat training for it's citizens. Maybe start us at an early age so that it's engrained in our minds to hate pirates, rather than encourage them with hit Disney films and cult classics like Ice Pirates. The basic training could include survival techniques such as swordplay, eye gouging, and barnacle rash prevention.
I also think our government should take a closer look at their negotiating procedures. I was recently surprised to learn that Pirates are no longer attracted to wooden chests or maps, but they demand real cash for their ransoms. While I don't endorse negotiating with pirates, I understand that it may become a necessity to save lives. Perhaps in lieu of cash, we can offer something that America really doesn't need anymore. You know, something that looks ok, but really serves no purpose and we wouldn't mind discarding such as beepers, or VCRs, or Dane Cook.
Ultimately, the best negotiating tool is the one used this past Sunday in which 3 snipers took out 3 pirates at the same time. I like to think if I was a sniper I would have lined up the pirate in my scope and just watched him for a couple of minutes. I would imagine him as a child and wonder where he went wrong in life. Then I would whisper to myself "Happy F-ing Easter," pull the trigger, and watch the bullet exit his lifeless occipital lobe.
Anyways, I hope you all enjoyed your Easter weekend and had some kind words for David Blaine. HHHeeeeyyy Macarena!
