You all laughed at me!

I warned you all...and you all ignored me. I told you it was a growing problem on our humble planet we refer to as Earth...and you all mocked me. I informed everyone to avoid the Gulf of Aden...and you all made fun of me. I first blogged about this out of control Pirate trend on 11-21-08...and you all laughed at me. Well, who's laughing now? Certainly not the family of Captain Richard Phillips.

Suddenly our president, our Navy Seals, and our general public seem interested in this threatening epidemic. That's right, these are the most frightening times for our country since Reagan carried us through the Cold War, Magic faked having AIDS, or Dustin Hoffman saved us from that Ebola breakout.

So what should we do? Well, I'm not really sure but I think it's a goode idea for the US to mandate some sort of Pirate combat training for it's citizens. Maybe start us at an early age so that it's engrained in our minds to hate pirates, rather than encourage them with hit Disney films and cult classics like Ice Pirates. The basic training could include survival techniques such as swordplay, eye gouging, and barnacle rash prevention.

I also think our government should take a closer look at their negotiating procedures. I was recently surprised to learn that Pirates are no longer attracted to wooden chests or maps, but they demand real cash for their ransoms. While I don't endorse negotiating with pirates, I understand that it may become a necessity to save lives. Perhaps in lieu of cash, we can offer something that America really doesn't need anymore. You know, something that looks ok, but really serves no purpose and we wouldn't mind discarding such as beepers, or VCRs, or Dane Cook.

Ultimately, the best negotiating tool is the one used this past Sunday in which 3 snipers took out 3 pirates at the same time. I like to think if I was a sniper I would have lined up the pirate in my scope and just watched him for a couple of minutes. I would imagine him as a child and wonder where he went wrong in life. Then I would whisper to myself "Happy F-ing Easter," pull the trigger, and watch the bullet exit his lifeless occipital lobe.

Anyways, I hope you all enjoyed your Easter weekend and had some kind words for David Blaine. HHHeeeeyyy Macarena!

Enough of the Monkey business....

So in the wake of this recent chimpanzee attack in Connecticut, I've been doing some thinking. It seems like Pit Bull attacks have been at an all time high and are generally thought of as potentially deadly animals. My question to you is this- In a battle to the death, would you prefer to fight a Pit Bull or a Chimp?

I received a number of responses on this and a pretty even amount of votes for each one. I feel as though some of you may not be informed well enough because several of the responses were absurdly unrealistic (Robi...). This whole debate began when the Squid tried to convince me that he can take a chimp as long as it's not allowed to pull his teeth out. Here are some quick facts: Chimps often weigh over 200 pounds, chimps routinely attack the hands and genitals of their victims, and chimps are known to snap and spend minutes attacking both animate and inanimate objects.

I would 100% take my chances with the Pit Bull. Not unlike when I punch Hutch, Pit Bulls often go for the jugular. With my knowledge of this, I think I'd forfeit an arm and go for some sort of choke hold. I'd have a 50/50 chance of making it out alive. I figure I'll lose a limb or two but at least I'd live to see another episode of Boy Meets World.

Before I share the responses of this poll, I'd like to point out the story of James Davis. This is directly from ABC news:

Moe the chimp was like a son to the Davis family. St. James and LaDonna Davis say they rescued the chimp from Africa and then raised him in their California home - sometimes even eating and sleeping with him.

In 1998, Moe attacked a West Covina, Calif., police officer and a neighbor. Authorities removed the chimp and took him to the Animal Haven Ranch near Bakersfield

When the couple visited Moe last March, two chimps in nearby cages attacked St. James Davis and nearly killed him.

"I was so tired, but I had to keep fighting," Davis said. "This one &was just pounding the daylights out of me. I heard Donna saying 'please don't die on me' & I just couldn't answer her."

He said the attack went on for 10 or 15 minutes and he could "feel it blow by blow." Chimps are three times stronger than a man.

During the attack, LaDonna Davis looked on - she had been knocked to the ground by one of the chimps who bit her thumb off. She looked up to see her husband - who had intervened to save her - covered in blood.

"The big male took off to my husband's face, his head area, while he's on the ground. And the smaller one & went to his foot area," she told ABC News. They were "tearing away at him. And I'm begging somebody to do something here."

A ranch hand eventually shot the two chimps to death. Prosecutors did not seek criminal charges against the operator of the reserve because the animals apparently escaped on their own.

St. James Davis spent months in intensive care and underwent more than two dozen operations - he estimates he has 20 more surgeries left. He was put into an induced coma to help him heal.

Davis recently returned home. He's severely disfigured - his nose chewed off and his genitals and limbs severely mauled - but his love for Moe, who served as the ring bearer in his and LaDonna's wedding, remains strong.

Nevertheless, he is haunted by the memory of the attack.

"I really don't want to go back to the scene," Davis said. "I would like to have him put elsewhere. I would like to be back together again. I don't even know if he knows I am alive."


With that said, here are a few of the responses I've gathered:

"Give me the pit bull, at least with this fight, I would have a chance. Maybe break his hind legs or something while he is mauling my face...the chimp as I would get angrier, would himself get into a uncontrolled rage, and he would gauge my eyes out and begin to eat me, much like a raptor would do...that would suck..."
-Jason Dangles

"Pit bull. Dogs go for the throat, chimps go for the genitals."
-Casey Carr

"I would be more afraid of the chimp. Are you aware
that they are a very unsanitary pet to keep? Not only are they violent animal when provoked, but they throw their feces at everything and anyone in sight."
-Michael Crotchison

"I’d fight the chimp. They are more human like and I could kick any human’s ass."
-Jim Bobcat Webster

"I could take a pit. The chimp would kick my ass with my own arms and then use my face to pick up chicks."
-Sauce Davis

"Give me the chimp. A pitbull can cause more damage with a bite. Chimps are like really strong midget and they are slower than a pitbull. Chimps will fuck you up...but you can anticipate his attack if he isn’t surprising you. You could give it a good drop kick."
-Robi Torabi Sefidabi

"Probably fight the chimp because they’re so damn cute!"
-Uno Kelley

"Chimp - if teeth are going to break your flesh they might as well smell like bananas."
-Jason Besterfeldt

"That's a tough one. I think the chimp would be less aggressive... that is until I start strangling him. Then, I imagine him fairly aggressive. I'm going to go pit bull. I think I'd have an easier time at least maneuvering around him. The pit bull isn't as dexterous, and once I get him in a choke hold he won't punch me in the face. "
-Dave Downer

"Pit Bull, I am not 78 years old and feel confident that I could take on the Pit Bull while gouging eyes and if they are present pulling and tearing testicles..."
-Morgon Duke

"A chimp bull…because I’m that badass."
-Scott Wern

"A pit bull won't try and rip your teeth, fingers, hands, testicles, eyes, etc. off/out. But could very well kill you and for sure mangle your face. A chimpanzee probably won't kill you but will definitely mangle your face
and will instinctively try and rip your teeth, fingers, hands, testicles, etc. etc. etc. out/off of your body, AND has the strength to do it. I guess I have to go with the pit bull, I'd rather get killed then go through all that stuff with the chimp."
-the Badger

"I would prefer a battle to the death with a pit bull. I understand that when fighting male chimps go for the groin first and then the hands and face, whereas if you are female they go for the hands and face first."
-Pants Cox

All that she wants is another bab-eh eh eh eh

If you haven't yet heard, that wife of mine is all knocked up. So, pending a paternity test, it looks as if I will be a dad around August. I will use this forum to express my feelings from time to time. All preggers related updates will be made on this entry. I intend to update them around the time of each doctor visit, starting with the day I found out. For a complete baby blog, visit http://www.sonesbaby.blogspot.com/


Hey, guess what!?!?!

So I will always remember Thursday, December 4th, as the day I received my Garmin GPS from Amazon.com. I know what you're thinking: "Chad, why do you need a GPS? You're like a walking compass." Well, I routinely fall in the traps of trendy technology and marketing ploys. I arrived home that evening after just completing the highlight of my day, the 90 minute commute. I walked into the house saying "Dude, Tracy, come look how cool this Garmin is. It can tell me where I am, it can locate hotels, it can love, it can even...." That's when I noticed Tracy standing with a look of concern. My immediate thought was that she had broken my 2006 Rose Bowl DVD and she was going to have a new black-eye to explain to the neighbors. Luckily, it was something far less serious. Tracy proceeded to relay that she had just tested positive on 2 preggers tests. Up until this point, I had no idea that she was even late or that this was something that she had thought was occurring. Still, I became excited, we hugged, and she kissed me (reminding me of how drop dead gorgeous she finds me).

Several thoughts began swirling in my head. When will this zygote be born? Would my child prefer to play in the NFL or be a rockstar? Hasn't Tracy been drinking a handle of Tequila a night for the past 6 months? If it's a boy, will we name him Darren Woodson Sones? If it's a girl, will we name her Toni Romo Sones? If it's a hermie, will we name it Michael Hutchison Sones? It's a truly exciting time and that's the day I began my long journey into fatherhood.



Wait...that's an Ultrasound???

Over the past 3 weeks I've suffered from Migraines, a nasty stomach virus, and the Shingles. I can only assume that I will battle Smallpox and Polio in February. The good news is that my knocked up wife only caught my nasty stomach virus. Judging by the sounds I heard coming from the bathroom, I became concerned that she had already hatched our child without knowing. So Tracy went in for a check-up without me this week, but I couldn't help but to recall our first check-up.

Upon arrival to our first meeting with the Doctor, I felt a bit out of place. His office is located within a Women's clinic and I felt like all the women inside were staring at me and judging me because I had the wrong type of anatomy to be in this building. Still, I fought through it with the anticipation of seeing my fetus for the first time.

After some brief small talk with our doctor, he asked Tracy to please remove her pants. My initial reaction was to stand up and punch him in the forehead. Then I thought "he's not a bad looking older man, I'm open minded, let's see where he's going with this." But he then explained that we would be doing this Ultrasound in the form of a TVP. As a medical recruiter I was all too familiar with this procedure, better known as the Trans-Vaginal Probe. He proceeded to lube up a giant wand that I knew I couldn't compete with. As the procedure began, I gave Tracy a quick wink and a mischievous smile.

At the first glimpse of my fetus, I stood up and yelled "my child has no legs and looks like a shell-less snapping turtle!" The doctor then calmed me down and explained that it hasn't developed all it's parts yet. It's heartbeat was beating faster than Jason Zantjer's in a field sobriety test. The rate was around 170 per minute which often means girl but we'll see. We go back in a couple of weeks and get to do an over-the-belly Ultrasound which seems less exciting for Tracy but more relaxing for me.

Snow Day!!!

As a young Chad, nothing made me happier than a snow day at school. Looking back, I'm not sure what was so great about it other than sleeping in. All I can recall is watching reruns of Happy Days, infomercials, and several shady looking characters got me pondering an education from DeVry. Still, I really hated school so it was a nice time waste.

This past Wednesday I learned that snow days are just as popular in my book as they've ever been. I woke up Wednesday morning with thoughts of playing hooky. I was extra relaxed but sticky from 10 hours of sleep and a nocturnal emission. I was really excited about this since I had only managed a couple of hours of sleep the night before due to a nightmare. I sometimes have nightmares about a device created by my neighbor when I was 11 years old. His name was Jeremy and he was a lot of fun to hang out with except for his weapon of choice, the "thingy." The Thingy was a snorkel that was wrapped in electrical tape on one end. Anytime you would ignore your backside and leave your anus unprotected, Jeremy would make an attempt to painfully check your oil with the Thingy. Actually, I think the Thingy may deserve it's own blog entry and I'd rather not talk about it.

I turned on the news to peruse all of the day's closings due to icy roads. I held my breath after Lamar High School, but then up popped Nimitz High School. What the hell? Where was Medical Contracting? At this point, I realized I must begin my journey to Dallas through the frozen tundra of highway 183 and my dream of a snow day was shattered.

Around 10 am I slid into my office parking lot like Rudy in a 280 Z. My close friend and soul mate, Jason Dangles, arrived at the same time. At first I thought he was being extra careful in the ice as he took baby steps towards the door. I then realized that Dangles was walking with a limp. He looked sort of like Dr. Gregory House minus the charm. I was concerned that this was an old water polo injury that was flaring up and he would finally be forced to get those ass cheek implants he's been talking about. Luckily he had just pulled a muscle the night before while performing his weekly kegal exercises.

Once I got to my office I stared at my computer for an hour thinking of all the children having fun building anatomically correct snowmen in their front yards. Instead, I had to put off the appearance of an adult and pretend to be motivated by financial gain and professional advancement. So what's my point here? Well, I don't really know. But I know I like snow days and I hate working on snow days. Oh, and despite an Oscar worthy performance by Chris Elliot, I hate the movie Snow Day.

And the winner is....

After 32 total votes, here are our winners:




#3

Jayson Parties Like a Rockstar



This photo was taken by Jake Webster in Pawtucket, Rhode Island this past March. The Cut Off had just played at a really cool venue called the Blackstone and ended up crashing at a condo across the street. At this point in the night it was about 4am and 10 degrees outside. Jayson drank about 7 White Russians and his belly was upset from all the dairy. After jumping out of a freezing cold shower, we stuck a cigarette in his mouth and snapped this photo.





#2

Zantjer look-a-like in Barbados



This photo was taken on a boat tour in Barbados this past October. Hutch first spotted this imposter swimming in the ocean. He climbed back onto the boat explaining that he had just seen Zantjer's twin. I was a bit skeptical until the man joined us on the boat and I saw the striking similarity. The only problem was the lack of glasses...then he put on glasses. The tricky part was getting close enough to take a photo without him noticing. I guess that's why it's such a great photo.





#1

Zantjer Creeps out a High School Girl



This photo was taken at Corbin's going away party back in January. Ironically it was one of the first photos taken in 2008. After drinking too much and hanging around in a circle of high school kids in the backyard, he decided to talk to some ladies. I felt so sorry for this poor girl, he made her so uncomfortable. I'm pretty sure she appeared on the back of a milk carton a few weeks later...Ian Kinsler bless her.

2008 Photo of the Year

Here are our nominees for the 2008 Photo of the Year. Please email me your top 3 choices in order. List them by rank and name, I will announce the winner on Friday. Some of these are funny because of the photo, others because of context. Remember, your vote counts.

Down And Out Downer


Bloody Dangles Can't Swim


Jayson Parties like a Girl


Jayson Parties like a Rockstar


Robi likes Fun


Zantjer look-a-like in Barbados


Squid Gets Thirsty


Bringing Back Short Sleeves with Ties


Boyd Walks Shirtless through the Fox & Hound


Le Tigre Hutch


Bong Rip Jake


Sauce Gets Thirsty


Pants joins that new "club"


Kyle Parties like a Rockstar


Kyle Gives off too much Sexy


Denton Pals


Jayson has a heart of Gold and Face of Rubber


Beers Make Hutch Happy


Winking Squid


Hutch is always Happy


Before she was knocked up


Partied to Death


Dangles hunts...something?


Squid and Dangles have moves...Katie has a new disease


Dangles Creeps out a High School Girl


Squid is Mean


Seriously, the Squid is Mean


Camp Beardo


Karl Barnell...Marlboro Man


How is this funny?





Let me hear from you people.

Dog day morning

As you may or may not know, I commute about 44 miles each way every day. This provides me 3 hours alone in the car everyday, or 15 hours a week. That's about 780 hours a year....or 32 days a year. You get my point. Some days are better than others and I'm constantly fighting the onset of depression. Any sort of interesting event that occurs outside my car becomes my own personal Zoloft. If 2 weeks pass without anything exciting I began contemplating suicide by slapping my face against the steering wheel. The only thing that keeps me from going through with it is the unstable scenario of the air bag simply going off causing me to let out a girlish scream and rear-end someone. Then I'd just show up to work with a Zantjer-style forehead carpet burn and the only thing damaged being my pride.

This past Friday, I was in a particularly good mood on my commute in. Fridays are always happier because the weekend is right around the corner, we dress casual at work, and I zone out for 8 hours (not to mention I get on an AOL chat room with Hutch every Friday so that we can cyber).

So here I am cruising toward the freeway on Rufe Snow when I notice the car in front of me come to a stop. I immediately start prairie dogging to see what was going on. Sadly, I noticed a dead, boxer-sized dog in the middle lane. This, unfortunately, is nothing out of the ordinary, but what happened next definitely is.

I noticed a middle-aged woman walking through 3 lanes or traffic towards the dog. At this point, all 3 lanes are completely stopped and observing this woman. My initial thought was that she worked for Animal Control or something and was going to bag up the carcass. She looked sort of like a female Steve Buscemi without the cool points (because we all know Steve is the epitome of cool). Still, Steve doesn't make for an attractive chick. Then, I noticed her clothes and realized this was no government worker at all, this was a homeless broad. I also noticed that she wasn't carrying any sort of shovel, bag, or even gloves. She then leaned over and grabbed the dog by it's freaking tail and proceeded to drag it across the 3 lanes. No gloves or anything! I looked in the car next to me and watched a mom's jaw drop as her child pointed out this event. Many thoughts were spinning in my head as I was trying to figure out why she would do this. Was she merely a good samaritan doing a solid for our fine community? Was she checking to see if the dog was still alive? Then it hit me and I literally said out loud, to myself:

"Oh no, this lady is going to eat this f-ing dog."

Moments later, she dropped the dog along the curb and walked off. I let out a sigh of relief but my confusion sustained. And while I still have no idea of her agenda, I am pleased that I witnessed it. Just thought I'd share this with you. I hope this story will provide you with something to ponder on today's commute home.

Save the rainforests.